is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
