No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
