We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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