Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
