Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
