i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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