It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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