I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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