I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
he just fucked me for my cheese..
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
