Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
