I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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