Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
