I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize