a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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