Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
