i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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