I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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