I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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