I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
