The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
