i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
