And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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