That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
