I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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