we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
