And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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