I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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