Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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