bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
