life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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