i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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