if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
