Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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