Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
