You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
