matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
