the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
