I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Randomize
