Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
