All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
now i know why i became what i already was.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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