I think my fart just growled at me.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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