wat bout pragnant strippers??
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
