I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
