just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
