I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
