Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize