Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
