Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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