Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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