U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
