the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
