i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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