theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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