honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
