I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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