my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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