guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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