I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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